10 Years

Posted: September 7, 2013 in Growth, Miscellaneous, Thoughts, Vulnerability
Tags: , , , , ,

Today would have marked our 10-year anniversary.  This should have been a day of celebration, a day of rejoicing, a day of laughter.  Instead, it is a day that I remember what might have been.

Nobody thinks that their marriage will fail.  I certainly didn’t.  This wasn’t in my plans and certainly wasn’t in my dreams.  But it happened.  My marriage did fail.  And along with that failure, two people became separated.

You might think that after being separated for almost 5 years, I would be past the pain of our separation, but I am not.  Oh, I don’t feel the anger or the depression any longer.  I don’t sit around blaming myself or him.  I don’t berate myself for our failure.  But I still feel the pain.  And on this day, I feel it more keenly.

See, a marriage is a coming together, two becoming one flesh.  It’s about leaving and cleaving.  So what happens when those who are supposed to cleave are separated?  Inevitably, they hurt.  I feel like a part of my is gone forever – lost in the abyss of our broken marriage.  And I mourn her.  I mourn who I could have been.  I mourn who we could have been.

That part of me that I gave to him, I will never get back.  And that’s OK because I don’t want it back.  I gave it freely and willingly.  I don’t regret giving it to him because it means that for at least one point in time, I took a risk.  I threw myself wholeheartedly into a relationship, and gave it my very best shot.  The fact that we are now apart doesn’t change the fact that at one point we were together.

I loved him very much.  I still love him.  My former pastor said in a sermon that loving someone is doing what is best for them.  I do feel like I did what was best for him, even though it tore me apart to do it.  I know that we were not good for each other.  We didn’t bring out the best in each other, we brought out the worst.  That isn’t to say that our marriage had to fail.  I’m sure that if we had each done things differently, we could have stayed together.  But we did not, and we are not.  And while I still mourn what will now never be, I am OK, and I will be OK.  I do not find my purpose in whether or not I am married, have a ton of friends, have lots of kids, or having lots of things.  I find my purpose in serving God.  And I’m still learning how to do that well.

Perhaps if I had learned that lesson sooner, two people might have hurt less.  And as a result, three others might also not have been hurt in the process.  But I can’t sit here and dwell on what might have been.  What is important is here and now.  What am I going to do with the rest of my life?  How am I going to serve now?  How will I use this sad part of my life to help others?  Will I stay in my safe shell or will I break free and take a risk?

Is there something in your life that you feel like you could have done better?  Do you struggle with the guilt and shame of failure?  Where are you finding your purpose?

~Until Next Time,

Karen Signature

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