I think God has something in the works for me.  I’ve prayed lately for God to remove me from my comfort zone and to do what He needs to do to get me where He wants me to be.  Apparently, as I’ve learned, that can be a dangerous prayer.   I knew He wanted more from me, but I didn’t know what He was going to use to get me there.  And just to keep the record straight, I’m not there yet.

But, God’s been working in my life.  He has allowed things that hurt.  And I find myself asking why.  “Why God?  Why do I have to go through this heart-rending experience?  Why do I have watch my daughter make bad decisions?  Why do I have to feel helpless and hurt so bad for You to work?  Can’t You work in me without all the pain?”

Now, God is God, and He can choose any way He wants to work in me.  I truly believe that.  But here is what I am learning.  When I don’t hurt, when I don’t feel pain, I don’t change.  It’s true.  I talk about change.  I say I’m going to change.  I read about change.  I write about change.  I think about change.  But I don’t change.  That’s because I’m too comfortable.  It’s easier to talk, write, and think about change than it is to actually change.  In my experience, the greatest periods of change have taken place when I’ve been broken, weak, and unable to move anymore.  Why is that?  Why does it take being broken for me to change?

It’s all about control.  When things are going well, I don’t try as hard.  I get comfortable.  I start thinking I don’t need God.  I start thinking I can do it on my own strength.  And God lets me.  That’s what free will is all about.  I have the choice to lean on God or to try to do it all by myself.  And I have a tendency to try to do it all by myself.  Like the toddler who says, “I do it myself!” I pull away from God and try to do it all on my own – and inevitably, I make a mess out of things.

The hard part for me in all of this, is that I don’t plan to try to take back control.  I don’t really want to do that.  I want to allow God to work in me.  I want to do right.  I don’t want to mess everything up.  I don’t want to sin.  But I do.  I can relate to Paul who wrote in Romans, “For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate (7:15).”  He goes on to say in verse 19, “For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.”  I can totally relate to these verses.  I often don’t understand the things I do.  At the time, I feel like I am doing what is right, but when I look back, I realize I have once again stepped into God’s place and taken control.

When I take control, I am basically telling God that I don’t think His way is good enough.  I am telling Him I can’t trust Him.  I am telling Him that I do not have faith that He will bring me through my hard times.  And often, it takes me being at the end of my rope, when I have no fight left, and I have no other ideas to finally admit that I need His help.  So I fall on my face, with tears running down my cheeks, and I ask Him to help me.  I beg Him to help me.  And you know what?  He always does.  He always comes through.  It’s seldom in the way I expect, but He always takes me into His arms and holds me close.  And when that happens, I realize that there is nothing I am going through that I cannot get through with Him.  And even though this season is really hard, I will make it through because God is with me.  I am not alone.

Have you ever felt like you were falling apart?  Have you found yourself asking God “Why me?  Why this?  Why now?”  I’d love to hear your stories and your thoughts about this.  Share in the comments below how God reveals Himself to you when you’re hurting.

~Until Next Time,

Karen Signature


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