I have a confession to make.  I am a food-a-holic.  To be more specific, I am a sugarholic.  (Yes, I am aware that’s not a real word.)  If it’s sweet, odds are, I’ll love it.  I thought I had kicked it for a while.  In fact, for some time, I was able to do well and limited myself to how many sweet “foods” I could eat during the week.  So, I thought, “I’m not really a sugarholic.  I can stop any time I want to.  I just don’t want to.”

And then I read this book about an alcoholic, called Best Kept Secret, by Amy Hatvany.  And I saw myself in the main character of the story, Candace.  Amy did a great job of walking the reader through each step of healing – the denial, the excuses, the acceptance, etc.  That woman could have been me – except I don’t really drink.  My “drug” of choice appears to be sugar.  I use many of the same excuses she did.  I say, “I can stop any time,” or “If you wouldn’t bring them in the house, I wouldn’t want them,” or even “I’m not really that bad.” But the reality is, I am that bad.

In the book, Candace had to go to at least 3 Alcoholic’s Anonymous meetings per week.  Her thoughts as she sat through those meetings mirrored thoughts I have had at my similar meetings at Celebrate Recovery.  I have nothing against Celebrate Recovery, and I am coming to appreciate that it does help people – it’s helping me.  But I have to be honest and say it all seemed quite trite to me at first.  I felt (and still feel) so out-of-place.  The reading principles and prayers, etc in unison seemed weird and annoying to me at first – like sheep following each other, but I’m coming to see how that repetition helps keep those things in my mind throughout the week.  I am coming to appreciate that those principles will pop into my head when I need them to.

But reading this book also opened my eyes that I, too, am an addict.  My addiction may not hurt anyone else.  It may not make me slur my words or lose consciousness or even mess with my brain.  But it is an addiction none-the-less.  There are times when I want sugar so bad it hurts.  I will sometimes go to the store on the pretense that I have to return a video or buy a needed item, but many times, it’s just an excuse to get access to sweets.

One of the things that I am learning is that I cannot do this alone.  I cannot fight this battle on my own.  I need a support system, but I am so used to handling my problems on my own, that I often block people out.  In this book, Candace feels the same way – like she can handle it on her own.  She doesn’t need help.  She doesn’t need a sponsor.  She doesn’t need people around her.  But one day, a new person joins her group therapy session.  This new girl, Kristin, is going through the same experiences, and that opens Candace up.  Candace begins hanging out with Kristin, and together they both begin to make progress.  As a result, Candace begins going to more groups and in the process gains a sponsor.  Once that happens her healing comes by leaps and bounds.

All this is to say, none of us is any good on our own.  We all have our own hurts and our own demons that we have to fight, but we can’t do it on our own.  We aren’t meant to.  We are meant to learn and grow together.  So, with that in mind, I decided to share tonight because I need to get it out.  I need to get out of myself and let others know.  And perhaps by doing that, I can find my own healing.

Until Next Time,

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