Why is it when presented with an opportunity to share, my tendency is to clam up?  Let me back up a bit to explain.  I attend a group on Monday nights where the whole point is to share, grow, and find healing.  Others share, and I can relate to what they share.  I know in my head I won’t be judged when I share, but my heart doesn’t seem to get that, so instead of sharing, I clam up.

Case in point: Last night I was prepared to share.  I had been gearing up for that all week long.  I had told myself, “You’re going to do this.  You’re going to share.  You’re not going to worry about what anyone else thinks.  This is just as much about you as it is them.” And then, the moment of truth arrives…and I don’t say a word.  I sit there, listening as others share.  I listen as others bare their hearts.  And I sit silent.

Why is it so hard for me to share what has happened in my life?  We all have hurts and things that have happened in our lives that we are not proud of.  Why is it that I feel like I can’t share?  I can talk to people when it’s just me and one or two others, but you add any more than that, and I can’t say a word.

Last night, I figure out a small portion of that.  It’s one thing to open up to one or two – and it is something entirely different to open up to a bunch of people in a room.  It’s hard to trust that they won’t judge – no matter how many times it is said.  It’s hard to trust – period.  And it takes some level of trust to share.

But I don’t trust.  I’m not a “truster”.  I’m a doer and a listener and an adviser and whatever else…but I’m not a truster.  Every time I have trusted, I’ve been hurt.  I’m not just saying that – it’s completely true.  Every time I have trusted I have been let down.  Every time – except one.

When I’ve trusted God, I’ve not come away hurt.  I say when because I haven’t always trusted God.  I don’t always trust God.  It’s almost as hard for me to trust Him as it is to trust others.  I often base my trust in God on the experiences I have had with others.  As Christians we are supposed to mirror God to others, but we all fail so very often.   I fail so very often. If I’m the picture of God for others, then how can I trust?

I’m finding that each day, I have to get up and choose to trust God.  He hasn’t let me down yet.  People let me down, but God never has.  He’s never messed up.  I have messed up.  He’s never left me.  I have done the running.  He’s never turned  His back on me.  I have turned my back on Him.  And every time I have come crawling back to Him, He has taken me into His arms, held me close, and told me that He loves me.

Isn’t it so great to know that no matter how many others we can’t trust, we can always trust God?  So, even though I haven’t been able to share much yet, I know that someday I will be able to share.  Through it all, I will rest in the arms of God, and I will share with Him my hurts, my joys, my pains and my healing.

Until Next Time,

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