I had a someone tell me recently that he was looking for a relationship with someone without a complicated past, and that mine was a train-wreck. So basically, even if I were looking for more than friendship, I’d be out of luck right from the outset. As harsh as that sounds, at least it’s honest. I do have a train-wreck of a past. I had a lot of things happen to me, and I did a lot of things that I am not proud of. And I haven’t had a lot of success at relationships.
Now, this person is nothing more than a friend to me, and there was never any expectation or desire for anything more. However, I have to be honest, this hurt. It still hurts even two days later. When I heard those words, my heart broke a little.
If he, as my friend, wouldn’t ever want more with someone with my past, how would anyone else ever want to be with me? It would be easier to be rejected for my looks or my size or my personality – because those are all things I can change. I can’t change my past. My past will always be my past.
In all honesty, I’m not looking for someone, but someday maybe I’ll want to. Maybe there will be that desire to have a romantic relationship with someone someday. Will that person also reject me as unworthy of more because I have a train-wreck of a past?
Before I go further, please understand, my friend didn’t reject me as a person and has never treated me with anything other than kindness and respect. In addition, this statement is not in context, so please don’t think I’m trying to vilify him in any way. In context or not…desire for more or not, the fact that I would automatically be out of the running because of my past still hurts.
See, here’s the thing – I am not my past. My past is a part of my life that God has used to shape me. But it is not who I am.
I prefer to think of myself as God’s “victory in progress”. Here is who I am: a child of God. Every day I learn more truths about myself and how God feels about me. And guess what! I’m pretty special to God.
God wanted me so badly (even while I was sinning – see Romans 5:8) that He adopted me when I confessed that He was (and is) Lord of my life. Romans 8:14-17 says,
“For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.” (NASB)
I get to call God “Daddy” and I am one of His heirs. How awesome is that? He chose me, past and all!
Not only did He adopt me, but He forgave me for all my past indiscretions when I confessed them to Him. 1 John 1:9 says,
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (NASB)
On top of forgiving me, He wiped my whole entire slate clean – it’s as if none of my sins from the past ever happened in His eyes. Psalm 103:12 says,
“As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (NASB)
I don’t have to live in shame because of my past. God removed that shame from me when I confessed my sins to Him.
God didn’t stop there, though. He is still changing, renewing my mind, and shaping me. Philippians 1:6 says,
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (NASB)
He’s not going to stop working on me until I am made perfect in Him (so basically as long as I live)!
So, while I may never be accepted as worthy of more than friendship here on earth, in God’s eyes, I am worthy of way more. He wrote my name and deeds in His book long before I was even born (see Psalm 139:16). He knows who I am. I don’t have to be brokenhearted. I just need to turn to the Heart Healer, and He will hold me tight in His loving arms and remind me that because of His love, I am not my past.
Have you ever felt like you were owned by your past? Is your past still haunting you? What do you do when you feel like your past is your identity? What I said above about myself is true of you, too. God wants you and He will take you into His arms too.
~Until Next Time!