I Am Not My Past

I had a someone tell me recently that he was looking for a relationship with someone without a complicated past, and that mine was a train-wreck. So basically, even if I were looking for more than friendship, I’d be out of luck right from the outset. As harsh as that sounds, at least it’s honest. I do have a train-wreck of a past. I had a lot of things happen to me, and I did a lot of things that I am not proud of. And I haven’t had a lot of success at relationships.

Now, this person is nothing more than a friend to me, and there was never any expectation or desire for anything more. However, I have to be honest, this hurt. It still hurts even two days later. When I heard those words, my heart broke a little.

If he, as my friend, wouldn’t ever want more with someone with my past, how would anyone else ever want to be with me? It would be easier to be rejected for my looks or my size or my personality – because those are all things I can change. I can’t change my past. My past will always be my past.

In all honesty, I’m not looking for someone, but someday maybe I’ll want to. Maybe there will be that desire to have a romantic relationship with someone someday. Will that person also reject me as unworthy of more because I have a train-wreck of a past?

Before I go further, please understand, my friend didn’t reject me as a person and has never treated me with anything other than kindness and respect. In addition, this statement is not in context, so please don’t think I’m trying to vilify him in any way. In context or not…desire for more or not, the fact that I would automatically be out of the running because of my past still hurts.

See, here’s the thing – I am not my past. My past is a part of my life that God has used to shape me. But it is not who I am.

I prefer to think of myself as God’s “victory in progress”. Here is who I am: a child of God. Every day I learn more truths about myself and how God feels about me. And guess what! I’m pretty special to God.

God wanted me so badly (even while I was sinning – see Romans 5:8) that He adopted me when I confessed that He was (and is) Lord of my life. Romans 8:14-17 says,

“For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God.  For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba!  Father!”  The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.” (NASB)

I get to call God “Daddy” and I am one of His heirs. How awesome is that? He chose me, past and all!

Not only did He adopt me, but He forgave me for all my past indiscretions when I confessed them to Him. 1 John 1:9 says,

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (NASB)

On top of forgiving me, He wiped my whole entire slate clean – it’s as if none of my sins from the past ever happened in His eyes. Psalm 103:12 says,

“As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (NASB)

I don’t have to live in shame because of my past. God removed that shame from me when I confessed my sins to Him.

God didn’t stop there, though. He is still changing, renewing my mind, and shaping me. Philippians 1:6 says,

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (NASB)

He’s not going to stop working on me until I am made perfect in Him (so basically as long as I live)!

So, while I may never be accepted as worthy of more than friendship here on earth, in God’s eyes, I am worthy of way more. He wrote my name and deeds in His book long before I was even born (see Psalm 139:16). He knows who I am. I don’t have to be brokenhearted. I just need to turn to the Heart Healer, and He will hold me tight in His loving arms and remind me that because of His love, I am not my past.

Have you ever felt like you were owned by your past? Is your past still haunting you? What do you do when you feel like your past is your identity? What I said above about myself is true of you, too. God wants you and He will take you into His arms too.

~Until Next Time!

Sherlock Holmes and the Needles Eye by Len Bailey

When I first selected this book to read and review, I was skeptical. I didn’t really think that it would interesting, and the idea of a Bible Study being embedded within the threads of a novel just did not appeal to me. But still, I felt drawn to the book, so I read it. I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed finding the answers to the Bible Study questions, and the novel was both entertaining and informative.

The book is authored by Len Bailey, who wove the search for the answers to ten of the Bible’s mysteries into a novel about the renowned Sherlock Holmes. In it, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson find themselves using a time machine called the “Needles Eye” to travel to the locations of these mysteries. In the novel, Holmes and Watson travel to places such as Jerusalem to see the accusation of the harlot, Philippi where Paul and Silas were imprisoned and later freed from their chains, and Bethlehem to see Joseph and Mary escaping from Jerusalem with Jesus, to name a few. While there, they saw an event or part of an event and had to solve the mystery behind that particular event. Len Bailey did a great job of entwining fact with fiction, which made this book engaging and interesting to read.

Overall, I highly recommend the book, but I do caution the reader to take into account what is actual fact and what is conjecture. The events and time periods are well-researched and the conclusions do make sense with what is presented. However, there were a couple of conclusions that were reached, that seem to me to be more conjecture than fact. I’m not saying it couldn’t have been correct, but I also don’t believe that the evidence fully backs the claims being made. Once specific example for me is in Chapter 2, “Dignified Harlots,” where the author makes claims about what Christ wrote on the ground when the religious leaders were accusing her of being caught in the very act of adultery. I’m not saying that the author’s conclusion doesn’t make sense, but I don’t think that we can really know that for sure, since Scripture doesn’t come out and say what Jesus wrote, so to make that claim as fact doesn’t seem right to me. However, I don’t think that one should simply dismiss the book because of that because the argument does make good logical sense, and it could be correct.

This book did help me understand some of the “mysteries” presented much better. It gave good background, historical references and Biblical evidence in each chapter. I was impressed with the knowledge of the author, and I think it would make a good addition to anyone’s library.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com®  book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

~Until Next Time,

Unexpected Love: God’s Heart Revealed in Jesus’ Conversations with Women by: Julie Zine Coleman

I found the book Unexpected Love: God‘s Heart Revealed in Jesus’ Conversations with Women by Julie Zine Coleman to be a fabulous read. I found that it really challenged me to look deeper into biblical accounts of the conversations that Jesus had with women.

Each chapter starts out with the biblical version of each conversation that Julie Coleman addressed in this book, such as Jesus’ mother Mary at the wedding in Cana and the Woman at the Well. She not only listed the reference for each passage, but also provided the parallel passage(s) from the other Gospel accounts. This helps the reader to get a well-round viewpoint of each conversation, which I found to be very helpful. Next, Julie would provide a more dramatic version of each story, adding more insight – such as possible thoughts that went through each woman’s head, as well as detail about how the scene may looked. Then she went on to provide historical detail about the culture and viewpoints regarding women during that time period. I found this helpful in understanding how the reason people during that time period would find it strange and foreign for Him to have such conversations with women. Finally, she provided more practical information about how women could apply the lessons learned from these conversations in today’s society. Each chapter ends with questions that help the reader to apply the lessons personally and with a journaling prompt about the particular topic of that chapter.

I highly recommend this book to other women. I used it as an addition to my daily quiet time with God and found that I was able to apply the lessons from this book to my life and it helped to deepen my relationship with God. I believe other women would find this book helpful in their lives as well. Julie Coleman’s writing style is easy to read and she provides her detail in such a way that any woman could read understand and apply the lessons to her own life.

Until Next Time,

Wild Grace by Max Lucado

Wild Grace by Max Lucado, Adapted for Teens by James Lund

 Max Lucado, together with James Lund, has crafted a well-written, inspirational, and effective book detailing the concept of grace and what it means for each of us.

To be honest, I had a hard time swallowing Lucado’s concept of grace.  I mean come on, we talk about grace all the time, but how often do we actually show it?  The world isn’t known to be full of grace – it’s more likely to be full of judgment and hatred.  That God might really want to show grace to me is amazing, but difficult to swallow.  After all, my only experience with the world is what I have gone through personally.  And doesn’t each of us come to our conclusions based on our own experiences?  How often do we really see the transforming power of grace in everyday life?

And yet, there is the ring of truth to what Max Lucado writes.  The truth is, I’m not good enough for God’s grace, but grace isn’t about being good enough.  It’s about having faith that God wants to give us His grace, and my job is to believe and allow His grace to transform my life. This book asks the reader to look outside him or herself and see as God sees – a person worth loving….a soul worth saving.

Lucado structures his book in 3 parts.  Part 1: “God, Grace, And You” is about how God’s grace relates to you.  Grace allows you to forgive yourself for your failures and others for theirs.  Grace allows you to move past the negative self-talk and the criticisms of those who would bring you down.  Grace is Jesus giving His life for your rebellion, your sin, taking your consequence.  Grace is all you need in life.  It doesn’t take away the bad stuff, but it does allow you to move through the fears and downfalls of life, relying on God’s grace to get you through.

Part 2: “Grace in Action” is about the activity of grace.  Grace results in generosity – on your part and the part of others.  Grace gives the grace that has been received.  Grace gives forgiveness that hasn’t been earned – or, in some cases, even asked for.  Grace allows you to be honest with yourself, with others, and most importantly of all, with God.  Grace allows you to accept yourself and others for who they are, without the pressure of “pushing for perfection.”  God already loves you – you can’t do anything more to earn His love.  Grace helps you to realize that and live authentically.

Part 3: “The Road Home” is about where your real home is and where you belong.  God already loves you. He is your heavenly father.  You don’t have to earn His affection.  He already gives it to you.  Just like a good mother loves her child unconditionally, God loves you unconditionally.  You don’t have to do anything to make Him love you – in fact, there is nothing you could do to make Him love you.  And there is nothing you can do to make Him not love you.  Nothing can take His love or His grace from you.  Once you have accepted His grace through faith, there is nothing that can snatch you out of His hand.  Grace gives you a place to call home – God’s loving and gracious arms.

This book helped me to understand grace better.  I’ve always thought of grace as a passive thing.  It’s something that was done for me, but not something that is still happening.  Grace doesn’t happen just once and it’s done.  Grace continues to happen.  Grace is about getting something undeserved.  I don’t deserve my next breath – God gives it to me anyway.

I would absolutely recommend this book.  I read it with my teenagers because this version happens to be adapted specifically for teens.  The thought questions in each section helped my teens to connect with the book and helped them to open up about some of the things in their own lives.  They enjoyed the book too because it gave them a greater perspective on what grace is.  Do I think they got all the concepts?  Probably not, but it is a good place to start – and I think that this is something all teenagers should read because I think it will help them to learn why they should show grace to others.  Christian teens that know how to give and receive grace grow into Christian adults who know how to give and receive grace.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Reading Thoughts

Today’s prompt asked me to answer the question, “What would my life be like if I could read people’s thoughts?”  This is a tough one for me because sometimes it’s hard for me to suspend reality and focus on my creativity.  I’m actually a bit excited, though, because I’ve wanted to work on my creative side a bit more.  So without further ado, I am going to write about what life would be like if I could read people’s thoughts.

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I didn’t ask for this ability, you know.  I never wanted it.  Yet, one day, I realized, “I can read people’s thoughts!”  I’ve never had any real talents or special abilities before.  I was just me – ordinary, boring, old me, so you can imagine my surprise when I realized that I could read the minds of those around me if I tried hard enough.

It started out as a fun thing, and I could pick and choose who I listened to.  For instance, I listened in on my best friend’s thoughts, just for fun.  That’s how I learned that she had a huge crush on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  But then again, who doesn’t have a crush on him?  That’s also how I learned that she secretly wanted to date my ex-boyfriend, Josh.  Now, that was a surprise.  I tried to play it cool and not say anything about it, but I just couldn’t stop myself.  “You don’t want to go out with him,” I said snarkily.  “He never has time for anyone or anything except sports and talking about himself.”  She just looked at me like I had grown another head, and asked, “How in the world did you know?!”  I didn’t tell her the truth because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable around me.  Besides, how else would I get to know what she really thought about things?  However, I moved on from listening to her thoughts rather quickly.  We aren’t best friends for no reason, and really there wasn’t that much about her I didn’t know.

My next target was this guy I liked – Brandon.  He had dreamy, chocolate-colored eyes, short brown hair that just barely kissed his ears, and well, let’s just say he worked out a lot. I thought I’d just innocently try to get to know what he thought about me.  I was a bit disgruntled to find out that he didn’t think about me at all.  In fact, he didn’t really think about much of anything.  He was a bit dull, and I realized that I like a man with a good mind way better than a man with good looks.  I got over him fast.  And that’s how it went for a while – me listening in on the thoughts of others, with them none the wiser.

Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize is that it would all change.  What start out as fun soon grew to be an annoyance.  Like I mentioned earlier, when I started out listening in on thoughts, I was able to pick and choose.  But over the course of a few months, I began finding it harder and harder to isolate the thoughts of others.  I’d be trying to read or do my job, and some random thought would pop into my head, such as, “I’m so hungry, I could go for a burger right now,” or “Will this girl ever shut up?  I have better things to do with my time,” and so on.  Each individual had his or her own distinctive voice, so I began to literally hear voices in my head.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, it soon grew to the point where all the voices sounded the same in my head, and I began to have difficulty figuring out which thoughts were my own and which were the thoughts of someone else.  Even worse than that, I started responding to some of those thoughts out loud!  I’m sure you can imagine the looks I was getting when that happened.  As time went on, people started avoiding me because they thought I was insane.  And, who knows?  Maybe I was going insane.  After all, what sane person would be able to handle all those voices?

I started researching ways to get the voices to stop.  I went to a renowned hypnotist.  That didn’t work.  I tried going to a psychologist, but that just made it worse because I could hear her thinking that maybe I should be institutionalized, so I wouldn’t be a danger to others.  And on and on and on.  I could find nothing to help me get rid of the voices in my head, and I was beginning to despair of ever having silence in my mind again.

Finally, just when I was about to give up and just hide myself away from everyone, I heard a loud bang!  I jumped half out of my skin.  Then I looked around, trying to figure out what had happened.  Imagine my surprise when I found that I was lying in my bed.  All around me were evidences of my bedroom, and that the noise had been one of my books falling from my bed to the floor.  And that’s when I realized I had dreamed the whole thing.  After that dream, I am content to be ordinary, boring, old me.  And you can bet I’ll never wish for the ability to read the minds of other people.

THE END

 I realize that the storyline is a bit predictable, but it was fun to write.  I’m sure I’ll be trying my hand at more of this type of writing in the future, as I find it’s good exercise to be more creative.  I hope you enjoyed my little break from the serious.

Until Next Time,

Pond Scum

September 25, 2012

It is amazing to me what God can use to speak to me.  It can be the words of a child, a book I’m reading, or even something I see in nature.  Today, God used the latter to speak to me.  No, I didn’t hear some voice talking to me out loud.  And I couldn’t see God standing right in front of me.  But I could see the evidence of Him, and I hear Him speak to my thoughts.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blog postings, I have started to make it a habit to take a short 15-minute break around 10 am each morning, and I go out to the pond that sits outside our offices and just think.  Today, I noticed that the pond scum was pretty bad.  There’s always pond scum on this pond, of course, but it was particularly bad today.  In the center of the pond is a fountain.  In the section the fountain reaches, there is no pond scum.  This made me stop and think about how this can relate to my life.  Three things came to mind as I stood looking out at the water.

First, I noticed that the water furthest from the fountain had the most pond scum.  It was gross and nasty.  I had noticed some of this under the water on previous occasions, but today, it was right out there for the whole world to see.  If you look at the picture below, you can see the pond scum is very noticeable.  In many places, you can’t see the water because there is so much pond scum.

This reminded me of how things can go in my life when I am not in God’s Word like I should be, or when I choose not to spend time with Him.  I can tell when that happens because I don’t act the same.  When I’m in God’s Word, I am more conscious of how my actions are affecting myself and others.  But when I’m not, I don’t pay attention as well, and before I realize it, my “pond scum” is showing.  It starts out with a bad thought.  I think about something I shouldn’t, or I think bad thoughts about someone.  If I don’t get my thoughts in check, the next thing I know, I have bad things coming out of my mouth – gossip, bad words, etc.  Finally, it affects my actions.  I start to treat people differently.  Instead of being kind, I am impatient and sometimes even rude.  Not taking advantage of my time with the Lord sets me up for failure.

Next, I noticed that there were some portions of the pond where the fountain didn’t have quite as much impact.  The fountain had some impact, but it wasn’t strong enough to keep all of the pond scum away.  Rather, the pond scum was moving closer to the fountain in those areas.  In the picture below, you can see how some of the pond scum is encroaching on the territory of the fountain. 

This reminded me of the times when I am in God’s Word, and I am spending some time with Him, but I am doing it more as a ritual because I “should” and not because I “want” to.  I do it as something I need to get out of the way because I have other “more important” things to do.  I might not say that there are more important things to do, but I act like it, or perhaps even think it.  I will rush through my Bible reading for the day, so I can run off and do whatever I think is more worth my time at that point.

When I am in this mode, my “pond scum” might not be so noticeable to other people.  However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there, just below the surface.   When I am not truly engaging God’s Word, my actions might be right, but I can almost guarantee that my thoughts aren’t.  I am doing “just enough to get by.” I am nice enough on the surface, but below the surface, I think bad thoughts or I say “what I really want to say.”  To me, this is almost worse than when I am far away from God because at least when I am far away from God, people will notice and someone will (hopefully) pull me back from the brink of disaster.  But in this phase, people might not see.  I am saying all the right things and doing all the right actions, while inside, I am hiding a life full of “pond scum.”

Finally, I noticed that the areas where the fountain was hitting the most had little or no pond scum.  Those areas were clear and I could see the water easily.  Because the water in that area was continually affected by the fountain, it was able to remain clear of the pond scum.  In the picture below, you can see that there is a big area that is clear because of the fountain.

 This reminds me of those times when I am in God’s Word.  I’m not reading it because I “have” to.  Instead, I am reading it because I want to know God better.  I want to engage His Word.  I want to live out His Word.  When I am in God’s Word in this manner, my life shows it.  My attitude is better.  I treat people with more kindness.  But most of all, my thought life is clear.  I am thinking on “those things that are pure, right, just….” (Phil. 4:8).  The “pond scum” is cleared up, and I am clean inside.

You might wonder how staring at pond scum brought all of this to mind.  Well, Jesus is known as the “living water.”  Good water is moving and active.  It is not still and filled with pond scum.  When I am close to the Source of Living Water, I am able to live in a manner that is more pleasing to Him.  The more I move away from Him, the less I am able to do His will.  When I saw the moving water today, I thought of this, and realized just how being close to the Source of Living Water can change my life.  Realizing this makes me want to spend even more time with the Source.

What about you?  Are you close to the Source of Living Water?  Do you find that when you spend time in God’s Word for the right reasons, you have greater success?  Are you allowing your “pond scum” to show through?

Until Next Time,

“F” is for Failure

Today’s prompt asked me to write about something that I am not certain I’d be good at or something I chose not to do because I didn’t know if I could handle it.  This is a tough one because I don’t like to talk about things I don’t think I can do.  I don’t even like to think about things I don’t think I can do.  I prefer to pretend like everything is all good and hope that nobody notices that I bow out when I think I will fail.  Alas, I cannot get away from it today, so I must bare my inner thoughts about this topic, no matter how much I’d prefer not to.

You might wonder why I would even bother if it’s not something I like or want to do.  Well, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been working very hard at getting out of my comfort zone.  I don’t know how much more I can get out of my comfort zone than to share about something that has me quaking inside.  After all, who willingly shares their deepest fears?  I don’t think that I can truly consider myself as getting out of my comfort zone until I am willing to share even those things that are deeply hidden inside of me.  In fact, I wouldn’t be all that surprised if I didn’t even know some of the things I end up writing about.  So, without further ado, allow me to expound upon this topic of things I avoid because I might not be good at them.

There are things that I know I am not good at.  For instance, I am not all that good at math.  I don’t mind working with money – that doesn’t seem like math to me.  I am good at using math principles at work because, again, it doesn’t feel like math, since I’m  just doing my job.  I’m talking about math from textbooks – you know the stuff they test you on.  Somehow having to find out how much “C” is, based upon the different parameters of “A” and “B” gets all tangled up in my mind, and I end up with “A+B=F”.  “F” as in “failure.”  Another thing I have never been all that great with is sports.  I had a few things I was good at like – soccer and sometimes baseball or softball, but the majority of sports just left me feeling like an inept klutz.  So, I guess that’s a good illustration of the things I know I can’t do.  But what about those things I might not be able to do, but don’t know because I’ve never tried?

Well, one of those things is, I’ve never really tried to get published.  I’m serious.  I want to be a published author, but I’ve never actually given it a shot.  I’ve never put myself out there.  Well, there was that one time when I had to attempt to get published in an online publication for a class I was doing on Poetry.  It wasn’t a bad poem – just not what they were looking for.  I don’t really count that one because, the reality is, I’d have never even sent my poem in if I had been given a choice.  It was part of my grade to attempt it, or I’d have never done it.  How’s that for pathetic?

The thing is, I know I’m not a bad writer.  I’m really not.  In fact, I obtained almost perfect scores in every college writing class I ever took.  I even got high scores (and won $100) for one of the worst-written papers I had ever created, not because of the writing, but because of the creativity that went into it.  In addition, another paper that came close to winning in that same contest, was one that I was requested to read in front of other students because it was so well-written.  So, obviously, I must have some talent there.  But the biggest thing holds me back is the question, “Do I have enough talent to make money with my writing?”  The answer is, “I don’t know.”  I just don’t know if I have that much skill.  I think I might, but I don’t know.  And because I don’t know, I haven’t tried.

The sad thing is, my passion lies in my writing.  I had forgotten that for a time.  For several years, I barely wrote a word outside of the writing I do in my job, which isn’t saying much because just about anyone can summarize a contract for others to utilize as a tool.  I’ve written manuals and “official” notifications.  I’ve even edited the writing of others in my team.  But I don’t feel the joy and passion for writing at work.  I only feel it when I sit here, writing out my thoughts and sharing them.  My real passion is to write so that others can see it, not just use it as a tool – especially since it’s not even really my own writing, as much as it is making sure others at my work can understand the contract terms.  I have ideas and thoughts and feelings that I want to share with the world, but my fear of failure holds me back and keeps me captive.

So, I’m working on this.  As you might have noticed, I have been writing more and sharing more.  I’ve been trying to get what’s inside of me out.  This is just a way of getting back into the practice of writing on a more consistent basis, so that I can eventually do what I really want, which is to write a book.  My passion has begun to come alive again, and it’s all I can do not to spend all my time writing or thinking about what I’m going to write.  I know that I have something to share deep down inside of me, and at some point, it’s going to come out.  But what if I hold it all inside and never let it out?  Will I find myself at the end of my life regretting that I never even tried?  And how do I tell my children to reach for their dreams if I’m never willing to reach for mine.

So, I’ve begun the process.  I’m working on the research.  I’m practicing up on my writing.  I’m thinking and planning.  But, most of all, I’m doing it.  I’m writing, and I’m sharing.  And really, what more can anyone really ask of me?  What more can I ask of myself?

What about you?  Do you have something you haven’t tried because you aren’t sure you can do it?  Do you have a passion that you’ve been hiding because you just might not be good enough?  What are you going to do in order to start working toward your dreams?

Until Next Time,